The Man’s dojo

The Man’s dojo

Since time memorial, those who practice martial art would retreat and go into deep meditation. This they would do in a space of uttermost silence, far away from the daily disruptions. When they emerged, they were more relaxed, rejuvenated, re-energized and recharged, ready for the next challenge. This place, they referred to as “The dojo”.

When I think of the dojo, I can’t help but to reflect on the words of this classic song by Chicago “Everybody needs a little time away I heard her say From each other” True from these words, everybody needs their “Me” time! The only difference is, the man’s me time is unique. The man’s “Me” time is, “The Dojo”! You see, the man’s dojo is a bit complex, takes different shapes and has been often misunderstood by humans of the female gender. Sisters, when you ask him the question “What are you thinking?”  and he responds with “nothing”, the brother is in his dojo! When you find him holding the TV remote and you ask him a question and he can’t “hear” you, the brother is in his dojo! It could be a Newspaper that he is reading, a game of chess that he is playing, a soccer game he is watching, a car he has taken for a wash or just silently staring at “nothing”. That’s his space, that’s his dojo!

In his dojo the man finds inner peace, finds comfort, his soul is rejuvenated, he rekindles love, he rises again. The “dojo effect” as I call it, can only be likened to what the eagle goes through to be rekindled and experience a fresh breath of life. The only difference being that the man needs his dojo (Whatever form it takes) one too many times.

The challenge that the man faces is that his dojo has been interfered with, and continues to be interfered with by the sisters, not once, not twice, not thrice……….” I feel ignored”, “You don’t like spending time with me”, “Will you please get me a...” “Please take me to the….” These they say without any regard to the “code of silence” in the dojo! “Why are you being anti-social?” they ask. “Hello! I can’t hear you” & “will you please get out of my dojo” are the silent responses that comes from the look the man gives.

Brothers have a code of understanding on when a brother is in his dojo and can read the invisible “do not interfere” sign. It is therefore not a surprise to walk into deafening silence in a room full of men. Brothers don’t interpret this as “weird” but view this as a “step closer to rejuvenation”

The dojo is precious, is sacred, is refreshing, is revitalizing and it gives a rebirth to the man and as such, the dojo must be respected, must be esteemed highly! The man’s dojo is a no-go-zone for the sisters. If only the sisters would understand this, then they would be the greatest beneficiaries of a rejuvenated, re-energized, rekindled and a recharged man! But again, do they/ Will they ever understand?  As John Gray says….” Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus”.

Let me retreat to my dojo!

Jamo

Inviolate vows-Till death do us part

In sickness and health,in poverty and riches, for better or worse......These are the words, uttered by the married , both male and female, yet I choose to talk to the man, the masculine piece of the relationship by divine order, the one who prides in being head of the home.I talk to you, not as a bystander, but as one of you. In one way or the other,we have violated the vow. I may seem judgemental but hey, hear me out; Will you stand to be counted as one who has never violated the vow? Will you be honest to self and say that you are indeed one with her? Haven't you kept the deal from her for fear of being reprimanded? Never mind the fact that many times the deal has gone sour and the cash has sank. Haven't you failed to disclose your financial "True North" in the guise of "protecting the family"? How many times have you "Kulad na macho"as they say it , till it feels normal to. "You know we are polygamous in nature" You say it casualy, with a wry smile as you briskly walk away.

Where did we go wrong? That's the big question right here! "She has changed" you say. "She doesn't respect me and she is materialistic " So you justify to yourself and yet you suffer in silence. Before you know it, You are sipping the contents in the brown bottle, you're coming home late as you hang out with the crew, you begin wishing that she was like that office girl or business girl that you are fond of. As a matter of fact, you begin wishing that, that other girl was her. Before you sink deeper, pause for a moment and go back in time......she's changed coz motherhood has changed her. She is your home maker and this has taken a toll on her. She may have a part to play in all these, but I talk to you the man, coz you are the head, and you pride in it.Remember, leadership in the relationship begins with you!

The modern woman is wiser, more educated and quite opinionated and as such the man must rethink and restrategize on what being "head of the home" In our times is all about. Men don't talk but now they must, with each other, in the male barazas. No man can handle the complexity of our times by himself. As men we must identify our accountability structures and social support systems amongst our peers and plug in or else, depression,stress,drunkardness,side chicks, disjointed homes, broken homes, children deprived of the father's love, early deaths and many other social ills, will continue to be the order of day. As men we must stand up to be counted and recommit to the vows, no matter the challenge. We will not, in the words of the song, "walk away from the troubles in my life" and We will not justify our short comings. We may have violated the vow, but we are in this......till death do us part...and in the new, the vows shall firmly remain, inviolate.

Jamo