One chilly night in a new year’s
cross over party, for the umpteenth time, I rehearsed the lyrics to myself,
gathered guts and approached her...” will you be my girl?” I asked. You see, we
had been good friends and used to hang out a lot coz of shared interests. “That’s
so sweet and I really appreciate you asking me out but sorry, am already taken.”
It was deafening, I was dejected, I was crushed, totally crushed. I thought to myself….
“after all those months of time and emotional investment, it amounts to nothing?”
I walked back to my boys who were waiting for the good news and wearily uttered,
“she said NO.” Of course, boys being boys, cursed her and lamented at how
stupid she was to lose such a “gem”. Well, after a few weeks of sulking, I
friend-zoned her and we continued being good friends as if nothing had
happened.
He called me and said “Gazza (My
high school nickname), we need to talk”, from the seriousness of the tone and
because he is my boy, this was a priority. As I sipped my drink he said, “I
think my girl is seeing someone else” …… I let him talk it out with few interruptions.
When I spoke up, the words were few and decisive. “Bro walk away. There are
many girls and you will soon find another!” After some small talk, he was all
cheered up and assured me that he would deal with the issue…… years down the
line, they are happily married. I could
go on and on about the relationship challenges of the boychild in the late 90’s
and early into the new millennium.
I remember one of my favorite
programs back then had an intro that years down the line rings like fresh music
to my ears “He was a cop, and good at his job. But he committed the ultimate
sin—and testified against other cops gone bad. Cops that tried to kill him but
got the woman he loved instead. Framed for murder, now he prowls the badlands...an
outlaw hunting outlaws...a bounty hunter...a RENEGADE!” The passion that
renegade had to hunt the outlaws was driven by the love he had for his fiancée,
he was out not only out to clear his name but to revenge for the death of his fiancée.
Renegade was macho and the hero that the boychild wanted to be like. He had this “Popeye the sailor man” attitude of
“can’t stance this no more”. Renegade taught us how to go all out for your
woman, not all out against her. He taught us how to passionately fight for her
but not to fight her. And so, we grew up knowing that women are to be valued,
to be respected and to be loved. We also grew up knowing that, if a
relationship is meant to be, it will be and if not to be, it won’t be. The
attitudes that we bore were “If she is yours, she will be” and that “If you
love someone, set her free and if she is yours, she will be back.” These attitudes
helped us to manage our emotions when the girlchild decided otherwise.
“Man stabs girlfriend.” “Man
kills fiancée”, “Man commits suicide.” “Man shoots self in love gone sour.” These
have become common headlines in our media channels, with the social media too
eager to share the disturbing images in total disregard of the online kin and
friends. My verdict on the man; We have become weak! We have caved into
pressures of social and societal demands. We have embraced the attitudes of “entitlement”
and “fake it till you make it.” These two attitudes make you weak and cause you
to lose your identity. You weaken to the state of not having the shock absorbers
to take NO for an answer and where NO is issued you retaliate with self-harm or
harming her. We have become threatened more and more by the empowered girlchild
and so to “retain our position”, we act in total disregard to what she feels or
thinks and try to subdue her into accepting that she is the lesser one”.
This is not what “renegades” do. “Renegades”
respect and value the woman and let her be. “Renegades” have the backbone to take
“NO” for an answer. “Renegades” know when to hold on in a relationship, when to
walk away and when to run. “Renegades” are brave enough to talk about it. They don’t
kill her, but they can kill for her. They don’t fight her but can fight for her.
They talk about it and seek social support from the “boys.” When she upsets
you, go shoot pool, go hiking, go car racing, play your guitar, take your boys
for nyama choma, go play soccer…. Just find your dojo and hang in there!
To the fathers and big brothers,
let us mentor this generation to be the men that society wants them to be. Find
time at your places of work and worship to talk to the youth, visit schools and
colleges…plug into that space and transform a man. Let’s restore the man to
the default settings, who God intended for them to be!
Jamo
