FACE-OFF

One Monday morning a colleague came back to work, having attended the burial of a relative over that weekend. She looked so distraught and for a moment I thought it's because she was still in a state of mourning from her loss. To break off the otherwise awkward silence, I asked: “how was the burial?” “It went well, “she said. “And how are you?” I asked. Without beating around the bush, with a gloomy but straight face she said, “I’m not fine, I discovered over the weekend that I have a sister from another mother, who is just a year younger than me!” Trouble right there! “And this happened when we were publicly being introduced to the mourners”, she continued. “The most disappointing thing is that Dad seemed indifferent”. “So, how is your sister?” I interjected. “I don’t know, I am still trying to reconcile all these and figure out if and how I will begin to bond with her.

This week I met this guy famed as a media personality, a celeb. He came to my workplace to share on mental health. He shared his story about a hidden, broken, dejected, miserable side of him that he had hidden for so long but had since gone public about it in recent years. He has been bold enough to share the same on the Engage talks by toastmasters forum. While he spoke, I thought, “How many men are going through worse?” “How many would be bold enough to share their story?”  

In the 1997 movie “face-off”, FBI agent Sean Archer (John Travolta) Obsessed with bringing terrorist Castor Troy (Nicolas Cage) to justice, tracks down Troy, who has boarded a plane in Los Angeles. After the plane crashes and Troy is severely injured, possibly dead, Archer undergoes surgery to remove his face and replace it with Troy's. As Archer tries to use his disguise to elicit information about a bomb from Troy's brother, Troy awakes from a coma and forces the doctor who performed the surgery to give him Archer's face.

With time, the man has mastered the art of masking, to protect his ego, to preserve a certain image, to maintain a certain status, to hide weaknesses and even to conceal evidence. Show me a man who doesn’t have skeletons hidden in a closet and I will show you an angel living among men!  What differs from a man to a man, is a case of how many skeletons. Unmasking can be a painful, dirty, tricky business and depending on the intensity, can leave scars.  Beyond every mask is a man trying hard to be what he is not to achieve certain goals but behind the mask is a man who is broken, a man who is crushed, a man who is downtrodden, a man who is fearful of what will be if the face comes off! He feels that he will be ridiculed, he will lose the social status he will lose what he has built for so long. This man wants a safe space where he can unmask and so that life can give him a clean slate, a tabula rasa, but the society has been so hard on him coz he is supposed to be the leader. Right? He is not supposed to be broken. Right? If he breaks, he is weak. If he cries he ain't man enough. After all, a man must do what a man must do and make it happen. The bottom line is, the face will be off at some point and the longer the mask stays on, the harder it is to remove it. I have always opined that the self-worth of a man is in his identity. Men need to create a safe space (a place of vulnerability) where they can speak out without being judged, unmask the falsehoods that have defined them for long and become true men to the society, men of integrity.  When a man unmasks, he heals, becomes true to his identity and in a ripple effect the society heals. What face do you need to rip off?

Jamo

The Titanic

In the 1980s when I was growing up daddy got a scholarship opportunity to study his masters in the United States. This was an opportunity that was very rare back then and it's one of those things that you would define as comes once-in-a-lifetime. Contrary to what was expected and after much thought, He declined the opportunity simply because there was no slot for the family to travel and that would mean he would have to leave us for more than 2 years. He was caught between a rock and a hard place to either pursue personal development at the expense of family or stick with the family at the expense of personal development. He chose family and lost the opportunity. This didn’t make sense at all. Or did it? Fast forward, over three decades later, His kids are all grown, and He holds a Ph.D. and resides in the United States.

One Sunday evening in the summer of 2011, I paced up and down the corridors, waiting with bated breath. I was nervous, I was tense, this encounter was a first! A good friend and colleague of mine was present and with the calmness of voice, he assured; “It’s going to be ok, Jamo!” I gathered guts, rushed in, stood by her side, her hand firmly clang to mine. I kept on assuring her that it would be fine. At 4.32 pm a cry was heard and lo & behold the baby boy emerged. I was overwhelmed with joy and with tears welling down my eyes, and with trembling hands, I took my phone and captured some images of this young guest! My mind was blown away and it dawned on me; “I am now a father!” The joy was there for all to see! The journey of fatherhood had just begun.

Fatherhood begets fatherhood and Every man needs a father figure, biological or not, to be a father.  The Titanic was a luxury steamship that sank in the early hours of April 15, 1912, off the coast of Newfoundland in the North Atlantic after sideswiping an iceberg during its maiden voyage. Of the 2,240 passengers and crew on board, more than 1,500 lost their lives in the disaster. This Royal Mail Steamer (Titanic) was the product of intense competition among rival shipping lines in the first half of the 20th century. The Titanic was made to utmost precision and was deemed to be perfect or, so it seemed until it hit the iceberg and crashed and thereafter followed by all manner of theories and jibes as to why it sank. 

Everyman is born with a titanic intent; Born to sail the world, conquer the world, change the world and to rule it! The challenge with the Titanic was that from the onset the design was flawed and so when it encountered the obstacle, its crash was inevitable. Our society is faced with iceberg challenges and every eye is gazed at the man, to fix it and provide lasting solutions, yet this titanic man is in a state of emotional turmoil faced with the pressure to solve what he has no capacity to. This is a man who has not experienced the total fruits of fatherhood. He has had to deal with the absentee (never there) father, the presentee (physically there but not there) father, the father in pursuit of materialism, the polygamous father, the wife-battering father, the drunkard father, the broken father, the mis-fathered father. The titanic man also has to face the challenge of the modern woman and a society that is constantly pushing for girl child empowerment and gender equality. The woman is being fixed, yet no one is fixing the man. The voice of the woman is being heard while the voice of the man is being hushed. 

A broken man doesn't know how to cope with a complete woman, but a complete man does. Complete fatherhood is the ingredient that engineers a complete man. We must go back to the basic we must empower our men to be complete men, to father right, and be right fathers. In problem-solving, you don’t deal with the symptoms but address the root cause. The solution to fatherhood problems lies with the man because he is naturally titanic-born to sail and conquer! To achieve the ideal fatherhood, there are sacrifices we must make, there is a journey we must travel. We must go back to the ultimate designer, the Deity and ask Him to course correct us into ultimate fathers, else, we will always remain broken.The man I am today, is as a result of a father who made sacrifices,created time and not only mentored me to sail, but sailed with me,assisting me to steer away from the icebergs to the point he was certain that I could steer on my own. As men we must speak with each other and be true enough to say when we are broken. Let's be intentional to mentor the nextgen, let's be intentional to rewrite the story from failed fatherhood to a successful fatherhood. Let’s be intentional to address our faults before we encounter the iceberg and sink in turmoil, never to recover. 

Jamo

The Butterfly Effect

A Man is still a Man no matter what his purpose on earth and his major duties are to nurture his family, to take care of them, to provide, to guide. This is the weight that every man must carry.

Daddy went into “full-time ministry” as they call it when we were still young. The early stages of the ministry journey were tough as there was no sufficient income for the needs, yet this family of six had to be fed, roofed, schooled, clothed and many other needs met. He soul-searched and identified a tent-making venture that kept us going and met some of the needs. Wants back then were a luxury, they were only satisfied at the “wanting stage.” Having tasted a life of plenty earlier on, this was a culture shock of sorts, from enjoying a gated home to a place where we had shared amenities. We have had days where we asked Mama what we would have for dinner and the response would be, “The Lord will provide.” A sure thing though was that somehow, somewhat, God always provided for the meals. It would have been very easy for Dad to quit on the Call and go back to secular employment, but he didn’t.

The fulltime ministry journey saw our family traverse the land of Kenya from Kitui to Mombasa, to Nairobi, To Mombasa again, to Eldoret, to Turbo, to Eldoret, to Nakuru then to Nairobi! Wow, what a journey! Fast forward and we are in Nairobi, Mama got a job and in an old-school fashion as you call it, would bring the full quid home to Daddy, for co-planning and utilization. Mama was happy, Daddy was happy, everyone was happy. This was the norm for the period that Mama worked and still is.

“My money is my money, but your money is our money”, “I can’t date a broke man!” These female adages have intimidated, isolated and unsettled the men who fear the day the broke season will knock the door. I was having a chat with some friends at work and we talked about one of our family rides only for one lady to quip…” Is this your family ride or your wife’s ride?” I could tell the sarcasm in her voice. I asked naively “What’s the difference?” A male colleague’s response? “You can only know the difference if you get broke!” That is what the society has become; individualistic and materialistic even within the family unit, where true happiness is defined by what you have, and family headship is determined by who brings what. The broke man has become a broken man.  This defies the divine order for the ultimate success of the family. With these mentalities dominating us, compromise on firmly held virtues sets in, strife, pain, bitterness, disunity, anger, discordance, and immorality become the order of the day and the more we experience them the deeper we sink in them and the harder it is for us to come out of them. All this because of one thing; defiance to the divine order on family governance.

In chaos theory, the butterfly effect is the sensitive dependence on initial conditions in which a small change in one state of a deterministic nonlinear system can result in large differences in a later state. The term, closely associated with the work of Edward Lorenz is derived from the metaphorical example of the details of a tornado (the exact time of formation, the exact path taken) being influenced by minor perturbations such as the flapping of the wings of a distant butterfly several weeks earlier. Lorenz discovered the effect when he observed that runs of his weather model with initial condition data that was rounded in a seemingly inconsequential manner would fail to reproduce the results of runs with the unrounded initial condition data. A very small change in initial conditions had created a significantly different outcome.

The defiance of the divine order to family governance assumes the butterfly effect, and as they say, the buck stops with the man! Men must take their place and not allow themselves to be dominated by fear, intimidated, Isolated and broken. The place of a man in the society should not be defined by what a man has but by what a man is! That’s his space. If a man places his worth in what he has, it becomes difficult for him to be who he is designed to be. Women generally have a desire to be ruled and become frustrated by the broken man who is inclined to material worth as opposed to identity worth. When a woman challenges a man’s authority it’s because they want you to rise the occasion to be the man you are supposed to be, and it must be creatively so, not forcefully so! We must as men restore manhood to the “butterfly effect” it was designed to be, so that in our right positioning, at the right time, with the right mindset, we will flap our wings and cause tornadoes of positive change in our societies and families.

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Three weeks ago, on the 25^th of April 2019, I received a call that bore bad news about the demise of a friend, the spouse to a brother of mine from another mother. My heart raced, I went into an indeterminate state, I froze, couldn’t believe what I was hearing. How and why were the questions that kept ringing in my mind. I composed myself, took my phone and dialed this brother of mine with the hope that he will tell me the contrary to what I had just heard. After three rings he picked up his call and with the calmness of voice greeted me and we talked briefly before I bluntly asked:” Is what am hearing true?” “How did you know?” He queried. “News travel fast bro,” I quipped. Well, he confirmed the worst, my heart sunk, and I retreated into a dojo and that’s where I have been since, reflecting on life, on seasons, the sad side of seasons, the ugly side, the tough side, the painful side. Reflecting on the fact that we are all sojourners and one day, we shall undertake a journey never to return. So today, I pay tributes to a beautiful daughter of the King. She brought joy to our hearts with her warmness, her kindness, her joy, her smile…she showed us love, but she Loved her heavenly Daddy more and her Daddy loved her back and called her home! In her own words before she slept, “Do not mourn for me but celebrate my life.” I celebrate you Caroline Nduta Mutiso. Rest in Peace.

Jamo

Renegade

One chilly night in a new year’s cross over party, for the umpteenth time, I rehearsed the lyrics to myself, gathered guts and approached her...” will you be my girl?” I asked. You see, we had been good friends and used to hang out a lot coz of shared interests. “That’s so sweet and I really appreciate you asking me out but sorry, am already taken.” It was deafening, I was dejected, I was crushed, totally crushed. I thought to myself…. “after all those months of time and emotional investment, it amounts to nothing?” I walked back to my boys who were waiting for the good news and wearily uttered, “she said NO.” Of course, boys being boys, cursed her and lamented at how stupid she was to lose such a “gem”. Well, after a few weeks of sulking, I friend-zoned her and we continued being good friends as if nothing had happened.

He called me and said “Gazza (My high school nickname), we need to talk”, from the seriousness of the tone and because he is my boy, this was a priority. As I sipped my drink he said, “I think my girl is seeing someone else” …… I let him talk it out with few interruptions. When I spoke up, the words were few and decisive. “Bro walk away. There are many girls and you will soon find another!” After some small talk, he was all cheered up and assured me that he would deal with the issue…… years down the line, they are happily married.  I could go on and on about the relationship challenges of the boychild in the late 90’s and early into the new millennium.

I remember one of my favorite programs back then had an intro that years down the line rings like fresh music to my ears “He was a cop, and good at his job. But he committed the ultimate sin—and testified against other cops gone bad. Cops that tried to kill him but got the woman he loved instead. Framed for murder, now he prowls the badlands...an outlaw hunting outlaws...a bounty hunter...a RENEGADE!” The passion that renegade had to hunt the outlaws was driven by the love he had for his fiancée, he was out not only out to clear his name but to revenge for the death of his fiancée. Renegade was macho and the hero that the boychild wanted to be like.  He had this “Popeye the sailor man” attitude of “can’t stance this no more”. Renegade taught us how to go all out for your woman, not all out against her. He taught us how to passionately fight for her but not to fight her. And so, we grew up knowing that women are to be valued, to be respected and to be loved. We also grew up knowing that, if a relationship is meant to be, it will be and if not to be, it won’t be. The attitudes that we bore were “If she is yours, she will be” and that “If you love someone, set her free and if she is yours, she will be back.” These attitudes helped us to manage our emotions when the girlchild decided otherwise.

“Man stabs girlfriend.” “Man kills fiancée”, “Man commits suicide.” “Man shoots self in love gone sour.” These have become common headlines in our media channels, with the social media too eager to share the disturbing images in total disregard of the online kin and friends. My verdict on the man; We have become weak! We have caved into pressures of social and societal demands. We have embraced the attitudes of “entitlement” and “fake it till you make it.” These two attitudes make you weak and cause you to lose your identity. You weaken to the state of not having the shock absorbers to take NO for an answer and where NO is issued you retaliate with self-harm or harming her. We have become threatened more and more by the empowered girlchild and so to “retain our position”, we act in total disregard to what she feels or thinks and try to subdue her into accepting that she is the lesser one”.

This is not what “renegades” do. “Renegades” respect and value the woman and let her be. “Renegades” have the backbone to take “NO” for an answer. “Renegades” know when to hold on in a relationship, when to walk away and when to run. “Renegades” are brave enough to talk about it. They don’t kill her, but they can kill for her. They don’t fight her but can fight for her. They talk about it and seek social support from the “boys.” When she upsets you, go shoot pool, go hiking, go car racing, play your guitar, take your boys for nyama choma, go play soccer…. Just find your dojo and hang in there!

To the fathers and big brothers, let us mentor this generation to be the men that society wants them to be. Find time at your places of work and worship to talk to the youth, visit schools and colleges…plug into that space and transform a man. Let’s restore the man to the default settings, who God intended for them to be!

Jamo

Smooth Operator- Like a a rushing wind,he walks in and out of your life,never to be seen

I grew up in a staunch Christian family and one of the activities that I got involved in to build my faith was participating in Christian youth camps. Of course, as a teenager, I just didn’t look forward to the camps for spiritual nourishment but also for the socialization sake of it. In those days they referred to me as “God’s gift to the ladies” coz I was young, in a singing group and was playing the guitar! I was macho, with some six-pack to show off. Well, not anymore. I have since aged and worked hard at rebranding and shedding off that tag line. In one of those camps, I met this girl, let’s call her “Peggy”, well, let’s just say she was pretty and I spotted her. Being the gift as they would call me, Peggy was more than happy to be spotted and charmed by me and gladly continued communication after the camp. Fast forward 3 months later, Peggy was out of my life and I couldn’t even remember what she looked like or who her real name was. That was me back then, the charmer, the heart breaker through disappearance.

Once, twice, thrice, in a lifetime you find that person who comes into your life and wordsmiths you out of reality and into a seemingly unending fantasy. This is the smooth operator; He is verbally skilled, persuasive, an astute negotiator, a con artist, very manipulative! I know as I shared the story of Peggy, the lady readers are either smiling, fuming or having mixed emotions or starting to process a name or names of some clever scoundrel who either is in their life or has been there before and swept them off their feet and they feel like they are over the moon! This is fantasy ladies, pure fantasy, run away and run away fast. Don’t be caught up in this snare that will leave you empty, heartbroken and bitter.

To the married folk, be on the look-out for this fox that comes to devour relationships in the name of, “He is understanding, he is a good listener, he is caring, he doesn’t judge me, he is a gentleman, he is supportive, he has good advice………what the hell…. This one will steal, kill and destroy and leave you hanging trying to pick up the pieces of what was once a happy family. Run away, don’t let him start the talk, shut him out completely give him no room. He thrives on broken dreams that have been shattered with age and shows up as the dreams fixer! Robert Greene in his book the art of seduction describes him as the ideal lover and assumes the symbol of a portrait painter. “Under his eye, all of your physical imperfections disappear. He brings out noble qualities in you, frames you a myth, makes you godlike, immortalizes you. For his ability to create such fantasies, he is rewarded with great power”

To the unmarried, the smooth operator will not just show up as the Mr. Charmer but will also portray some narcistic ways from a distance, he will often appear as being two-faced, putting friends and family down behind their backs, he has these tendencies of blaming his failures on others and puts on a different face in public from what you know him. He is addicted to fantasies, he will lie and pull that “wasn’t me” Shaggy line on you, he is a flirt and often unreliable but usually, his charm on you is irresistible! The signs are so clear, run away and do so fast!

To the man out there, married and unmarried, true love is in masculinity. Genuinely love her, care for her and when you speak with her and to her, say what you mean and mean what you say! Charm is sweet and makes you feel macho, a conqueror, a mighty warrior but it also breaks hearts, brings hate and bitterness and messes with destinies. The role of the man is to be a role model and leader to your family. Be the man that society expects you to be, be the man that your woman expects you to be, be the man that your boy children want to be like, be the man that your daughter dreams of marrying. Be the light to show them the way and be the salt to season their lives! Don’t be the smooth operator.

Jamo

Tabula Rasa- Clean slate

In the theory of knowledge and psychology, the state of the “blankness” of mind is referred to as tabula rasa. This can also be defined as the mind being in a clean slate state. In the 17th century, the English empiricist John Locke, in An Essay Concerning Human Understanding (1689), argued for the mind’s initial resemblance to “white paper, void of all characters,” with “all the materials of reason and knowledge” derived from experience.

We are a sum of our experiences and cannot run from that. When you see a broken man, a strong man, a weak man, a lazy man, a courageous man, just remember that they are who they are because of what they have gone through in life.

“He is such a weak man” you say, with a sneer and a condescending tone. Have you been in his shoes? Have you walked his journey? Do you know what it feels like to be a weak man in this so judgmental society? Can you carry the weight on his shoulders for just a second? I doubt you would. Even most of the courageous man in the society (or so you think), has some deep lying wounds which have been inflicted through the experiences he has gone through to become the courageous man that he is today.

Women are unforgetting while men are unforgiving. I am reminded of an interesting story in the good book about a King named David, who was embarrassed by a subordinate in his time of great turmoil and he kept the matter to heart for a long time, but while on his death bed and about to meet his maker, called his son and reminded him of this very hurting matter of the heart and asked him to not let it pass. Well, his son executed the subordinate. This is how men are wired. We may not keep on reminding you one too many times that you have wronged us but most of the time, we keep the matter to heart, and the more we do the heavier the load of what we carry.

Forgiveness and letting go is what a man needs to do, but can he? Can a man’s mind be in a state of tabula rasa to the past hurts and pains that now define the very essence of him? The biggest challenge that a man has is self-forgiveness. If a man can forgive himself for the failures and wrongs he has committed on himself, then he can forgive others, he can have a clean slate and redefine his life. He can move from a state of dis-empowered to empowered, from being weak to strong, being fearful to being courageous.

“But it’s too painful”, “I must get back at her”, “She will know that I am the man in the relationship”, “Huyo hata na dawa sitamsamehea” (Not even medication will make me forgive this one), you affirm with pain and rage! The principle of the log and the spec applies here…...before dealing with the spec that is of the wrong that has been committed you, remove the log that has been enlarging in your eye because you cannot forgive yourself! Pain and rage are contagious but so is love and happiness within any relationship, and what you spread is purely a matter of choice. Self-forgive so that you can forgive! Get your mind to the state of tabula rasa to the negative….and give the significant other an opportunity for a clean slate! This is not a one off but something you must do as often as you can!

Have a “tabularasarized” time!

Echoes of Pain

"Stop crying! Real men don't cry!" This we have at some point been told one too many times by those ahead of us! As a matter of fact, this statement forms the core of initiation into manhood. "Why can’t I? What’s so wrong with the tears? How do they affect the man? How then do I deal with the pains that keep on piling and piling because I can’t and shouldn't cry as a man? "Mwanume ni kuvumilia" Is the popular adage on these sides of the globe.

Recently, on my travel back to Nairobi after a short trip, I sat pensively constantly thinking "Why shouldn't men cry?" "Why is the society so harsh on men who cry?" If you have had a cave experience, you know very well the fun of being in the cave is shout so that you can "hear" yourself!  What causes the echo is the emptiness of the cave, confined within hard rocks. This is the story of a man's life! The man is characterized by echoes that scream from within him. The societal expectations on how a man should deal with his emotions are that he shouldn't show the emotional side, and if he does, he just ain't man enough. Men have been ridiculed for being emotional, they have been laughed at for being too feminine with statements such us "Uko na umama sana"(You are to feminine) or "Wacha umama"(Stop being feminine) being the norm of Men's conversations.  Well, a man being a man, would rather conceal it all than to be associated with "Umama"(Feminism), as they call it. But at what expense? At the expense of a man's emotional intelligence! The burden on a man's shoulders and the unexpressed emotions have led to most men being emotional wrecks!

The results of bottling up emotions overtime have led to echoes of pain which have found multiple negative outlets. Why for instance do we always encounter disturbing headlines in the dailies?...." Man, slaughters wife", "Man kills family and commits suicide" These and more are the articles we encounter daily. Why are men dying early? why are men having affairs? Why are men stealing, why is corruption synonymous to masculinity? These are the sicknesses of men in the society; the results of echoes of pain that get louder and louder as men age.

In a previous article which I wrote "Inviolate vows", I suggested that men must talk with each other and today I add, men must be deliberately vulnerable with each other and with their significant other. Talking about it is one of the proven ways to reduce the sounds that echo from within. Talk it out, cry if you must, cry on her shoulder, cry in the closet, let it out, let it go! The more expressive you are the lower the sounds of the echoes of pain from within.

True masculinity is in being vulnerable, true to your emotions and responding appropriately to your emotions. If you understand your emotions, you understand yourself and you understand others. When you express your emotions, you become healthier, become a better husband, better father, better friend, better son and in a cascading effect, we will have a better society. 

While at it, let me go to my closet and let it out! As for those who think "niko na umama"(I am feminine), I will let you be for now!

The Man’s dojo

The Man’s dojo

Since time memorial, those who practice martial art would retreat and go into deep meditation. This they would do in a space of uttermost silence, far away from the daily disruptions. When they emerged, they were more relaxed, rejuvenated, re-energized and recharged, ready for the next challenge. This place, they referred to as “The dojo”.

When I think of the dojo, I can’t help but to reflect on the words of this classic song by Chicago “Everybody needs a little time away I heard her say From each other” True from these words, everybody needs their “Me” time! The only difference is, the man’s me time is unique. The man’s “Me” time is, “The Dojo”! You see, the man’s dojo is a bit complex, takes different shapes and has been often misunderstood by humans of the female gender. Sisters, when you ask him the question “What are you thinking?”  and he responds with “nothing”, the brother is in his dojo! When you find him holding the TV remote and you ask him a question and he can’t “hear” you, the brother is in his dojo! It could be a Newspaper that he is reading, a game of chess that he is playing, a soccer game he is watching, a car he has taken for a wash or just silently staring at “nothing”. That’s his space, that’s his dojo!

In his dojo the man finds inner peace, finds comfort, his soul is rejuvenated, he rekindles love, he rises again. The “dojo effect” as I call it, can only be likened to what the eagle goes through to be rekindled and experience a fresh breath of life. The only difference being that the man needs his dojo (Whatever form it takes) one too many times.

The challenge that the man faces is that his dojo has been interfered with, and continues to be interfered with by the sisters, not once, not twice, not thrice……….” I feel ignored”, “You don’t like spending time with me”, “Will you please get me a...” “Please take me to the….” These they say without any regard to the “code of silence” in the dojo! “Why are you being anti-social?” they ask. “Hello! I can’t hear you” & “will you please get out of my dojo” are the silent responses that comes from the look the man gives.

Brothers have a code of understanding on when a brother is in his dojo and can read the invisible “do not interfere” sign. It is therefore not a surprise to walk into deafening silence in a room full of men. Brothers don’t interpret this as “weird” but view this as a “step closer to rejuvenation”

The dojo is precious, is sacred, is refreshing, is revitalizing and it gives a rebirth to the man and as such, the dojo must be respected, must be esteemed highly! The man’s dojo is a no-go-zone for the sisters. If only the sisters would understand this, then they would be the greatest beneficiaries of a rejuvenated, re-energized, rekindled and a recharged man! But again, do they/ Will they ever understand?  As John Gray says….” Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus”.

Let me retreat to my dojo!

Jamo

Inviolate vows-Till death do us part

In sickness and health,in poverty and riches, for better or worse......These are the words, uttered by the married , both male and female, yet I choose to talk to the man, the masculine piece of the relationship by divine order, the one who prides in being head of the home.I talk to you, not as a bystander, but as one of you. In one way or the other,we have violated the vow. I may seem judgemental but hey, hear me out; Will you stand to be counted as one who has never violated the vow? Will you be honest to self and say that you are indeed one with her? Haven't you kept the deal from her for fear of being reprimanded? Never mind the fact that many times the deal has gone sour and the cash has sank. Haven't you failed to disclose your financial "True North" in the guise of "protecting the family"? How many times have you "Kulad na macho"as they say it , till it feels normal to. "You know we are polygamous in nature" You say it casualy, with a wry smile as you briskly walk away.

Where did we go wrong? That's the big question right here! "She has changed" you say. "She doesn't respect me and she is materialistic " So you justify to yourself and yet you suffer in silence. Before you know it, You are sipping the contents in the brown bottle, you're coming home late as you hang out with the crew, you begin wishing that she was like that office girl or business girl that you are fond of. As a matter of fact, you begin wishing that, that other girl was her. Before you sink deeper, pause for a moment and go back in time......she's changed coz motherhood has changed her. She is your home maker and this has taken a toll on her. She may have a part to play in all these, but I talk to you the man, coz you are the head, and you pride in it.Remember, leadership in the relationship begins with you!

The modern woman is wiser, more educated and quite opinionated and as such the man must rethink and restrategize on what being "head of the home" In our times is all about. Men don't talk but now they must, with each other, in the male barazas. No man can handle the complexity of our times by himself. As men we must identify our accountability structures and social support systems amongst our peers and plug in or else, depression,stress,drunkardness,side chicks, disjointed homes, broken homes, children deprived of the father's love, early deaths and many other social ills, will continue to be the order of day. As men we must stand up to be counted and recommit to the vows, no matter the challenge. We will not, in the words of the song, "walk away from the troubles in my life" and We will not justify our short comings. We may have violated the vow, but we are in this......till death do us part...and in the new, the vows shall firmly remain, inviolate.

Jamo

MALE CHAUVINISM: THE HEIGHT OF MORAL DECADENCE

The wave of absurdity and impunity that has struck our nation this week has left me numb, needless to say. Why would men in their right sense pounce on a defenseless, harmless female, strip her naked, rob her and injure her? My conclusion is, simply put, these men are mad!they have lost it! It pains me to watch these events take place in broad day light, in a country that prides itself as an "island of peace" ,where freedom of expression both implied & expressed is the norm of its people. The human rights as enshrined into our constitution are such that freedom of expression must be upheld by all without exception. The problem that ails our nation is lawlessness. we have become a man eat man society, where we walk in the whims of " survival for the fittest". If law and order are not enforced then what we have is anarchy reigning supreme. People resort to doing crude things because after all they know, "they will get away with it", simply because they can buy their way out, cheat their way out or simply wont be caught because, "our government does not have proper security structures to bring culprits to book!"

To my government, I ask, would you for a moment pause and think how orderly Kenya would be if all laws were implemented to the book? People would reform without being asked to coz they would be cognizant of the consequences that would befall them. Human dignity would be restored, sanity would be the order of the day, respect of law and fellow citizens would be the norm, human rights would never be violated!

To the men who have bitten by the bug of temporary insanity, I ask, what would happen if tomorrow, the lady being stripped naked is your sister, or daughter, or mother, or wife or even say , your grandmother? How would you react? would your opinion change? would you go about laughing over this issue? What if tomorrow all the women go on riot and begin embarrassing men who pour toxic waters on mother nature by the roadside? or do you think for once that such an act is a sight to behold? You need help.

To my fellow sober citizens who are so utterly disgusted by this barbaric wave. Sanity and lawfulness begin with me and you. speak up , for as the famous saying by Martin Niemoeller says  " When they came for the communists, i was silent because i was not a communist, when they came for the socialists, i was silent coz i was not a socialist, when they came for the trade unionists i was silent coz i wasn't one, when they came for the Jews i did not protest coz i wasn't a Jew, when they came for ME........there was no one to protest on my behalf"

We must condemn this evil but we must do so within the boundaries of the law.

James M. Kyalo

4 people that you shouldn't dare date in the Office!!

I dedicate this article to those guys who think that the office is the only place on earth where you will find love........ There are four categories of people that you shouldn't even think of;


1. The Intern 
So much can go wrong when dating an intern, assistant or any other underling that such temptations are best left alone. If your colleagues find out about this office romance, there could be cries of favoritism.......pls pls pls overcome this temptation.

2. The IT guy or gal 
Nothing beats having your request for computer assistance rise to the top of the tech support queue. But fall out of favour with your technically inclined lover and you'll have to endure the tech support call of shame any time your computer has the hiccups. 

3. The boss 
Throw unrequited love and/or an ugly break-up into the mix and there's no telling how far your professional reputation could plummet...after all, this is your boss now. or isn't he/she?


4. The serial dater 
Cozy up to the office philanderer(for simplicity... this is that guy/gal who is everybody's everybody) and you make yourself a prime target for professional gossip and hostility. Not only can your reputation plummet overnight, your colleagues may have a hard time taking you seriously. for this one be as distanced as much as possible!!!!!!


 A short one but one to ponder about.


lovely weekend guys..

Jamo

The Signs of A Player!

Wsap ya’ all it’s been quite a while before i did you one. I remember in the last blog i promised to  do a coming soon entitled "the signs of a player." I can see all the ladies smiling at this, but wait a minute please.........Here is a disclaimer; (Not all men lie, not all men cheat, and not all women are sweet innocents themselves. Nothing written or imagined written herein should be taken to construe such an opinion.)

Infidelity is one of the biggest problems in relationships, behind money problems coz being in love makes us so vulnerable &  being cheated on is very painful. It's better to be aware of the signs and be honest with yourself from the beginning rather than let yourself fall into the trap of falling for a guy, and then falling for all his lies.

Players have several characteristics in common. Some will have more, some will have less, but if the man you're dating has several of these in one go, you could well be dating a player.

 1. He expressly denies being one.

If your man comes straight out (unprovoked) and proclaims that he aint a player, he tends to be precisely that. He will announce this the first time he screws up, or senses that you're leery about him. And he's operating on reflex. The fact is he's so used to being accused of being one, that he instinctively plays offense from the start, in the hope you might be gullible enough to believe what you hear, rather than what you see.

2. He's too smooth.

Does he have an answer for everything? A really good answer? I'm not surprised. as this comes from years of practice. He's made all the big mistakes and has plenty of experience with smoothing things over. He knows what you want to hear, because he's learned well from his previous enablers. Don't add yourself to the list.

3. He's always slightly aloof.

He pays just enough attention to make you crave more, but little enough to make you wonder how interested he really is. This ploy is designed to make you want more -- which is what most of you end up doing -- and some of you will go out of your way to get his attention through methods you wouldn't normally lower yourself to. That's exactly what he wants; you crawling on your knees for his attention.

5. His communication skills suck.

Unless there's a very good reason, if your man doesn't answer your text/email/phone call within 24 hours, he's playing a game.What about the men who deny the truth of that statement by claiming that some men are just too busy...? Dont fall for that crap!!. If you really like someone, you can find a minute to at least text them. No one is that busy! If your man does this on a regular basis, he's playing you.

6. He makes you feel like you're overreacting when you're not.

Let me give you an example: He promises to call you at 8pm, but doesn't contact you until the next day. Why? Because he decided that pizza with his mates would be more fun. When asked why he couldn't be bothered to let you know, to send you a text at least, he replies by making you feel like you're being clingy or too demanding. The guy is a tosser!

7. He makes you feel that You're Not Good Enough For Him

Seriously. This is a very important clue. Feeling that you're not good enough for him means that you feel bad about yourself. It's one thing if this issue stems from any self esteem issues you may have, but it is quite another if it is the result of the way he treats you.

This is sometimes the a sign of a cheater, but it's always the sign of someone you'd be better off without. Common techniques for making a woman feel bad involve criticizing her looks, calling her fat, suggesting she could loose a few kgs , or often insinuating that she is stupid. If he does any of these things, run, run away and be fast! Here is a caveat though, that I would put on this advice; sometimes women feel bad about themselves without any help from outside sources. Try to look at the situation objectively. Is he engaging in destructive interaction with you? Are your feelings based on negative self talk, or is he actively trying to keep you down by treating you like a lesser person than he? In the first instance, some counseling may be in order, in the second, a break up.

8. Gut Instinct

Have a funny feeling in your tummy when it comes to him? Take some Tums, and if it's still there once they've taken effect, chances are that your body is trying to tell you something. Most women who haver been involved with cheating men say afterwards that they had a feeling something was wrong. You shouldn't necessarily leave him because you have a feeling something isn't right, but you should be aware and be alert for other signs. Intuiton is what they call it and clay they that it makes abode in females!!!

Have a lovely evening all!!

James

Loud Signs: Reading a guys intentions

If you’re single and open to dating, that’s good for you. Go out there, and enjoy yourself. Your goal should not be to find a guy, but to develop a fun and fulfilling life. And while doing that, you want to put yourself in situations where you can meet someone. After all, Prince Charming only arrives at someone’s door step in fairy tales.

It’s important, though, to keep your eyes open to what’s going on around you. Whether you spend time with a guy from work or see a certain one at the gym on a regular basis, you need to be aware of the signs he may give, to show that he has all the intentions of being more than just a friend. When guys are interested, they show it. Here are a few signs that a guy wants to get to know you in a different way.....

2.He just happens to be around you a lot

Guys are sort of simple. When they set their minds on something, they usually go for it. And in this case, that something could be you! If a guy wants to get to know you, he will find ways to be around you. He may stop by your cubicle frequently at work. Or he may just so happen to run into you and your friends each Friday at happy hour. Coincidence, perhaps. However, these run-ins may be much more strategic than random.If a guy is spending time with you but has not asked you out yet, it’s a matter of time. He clearly wants to get to know you, or he would not be hanging around.

3.He asks you questions

Guys who want to get to know girls ask questions. They engage in conversation, and they often drive it. If you meet a guy but have to be pushy when talking to him, he may not be that into you. And if you’re asking all about him but he’s not curious about you, a red flag should appear in your mind. Think about it; When someone wants to get to know you, they will show signs of interest in the conversations the two of you have.

4.He treats you respectfully

Guys know how to be on good behavior, for the most part. And if they’re into a gal, they will treat her with respect. They want to make a favorable impression, and they want it to last - at least in the initial encounters. If a guy is not making that extra effort to behave well around you, he likely doesn’t care about what you think, and this means he probably doesn’t want to get to know you.

NB: Up there are just a few signs that a guy wants to get to know you. Remember that guys pursue things they want. And when in pursuit mode,they will eventually reveal their motives. And please dont be suprised if you get the ALL DIRECT kind of guy, who will look you in the eye and tell you...”I want to go out with you” or, “will you be my gal?” If you meet a guy who is showing some of these signs of interest,or who also in some instances unhooks some innocent flirting lines, you may just have a potential date or boyfriend.

DISCLAIMER: COMING SOON: THE SIGNS OF A PLAYER

Have a fabulous weekend!!!

James

How To Tell If a Guy is Into You

Here goes the OLD liner from the ladies..."How do I tell if a guy is into me?

Although most will look for the normal signs, such as him phoning when he says he will, or grabbing a box of chocolates for you, there are many important signs that we don't pay attention to.

Such as, does he listen to you when you speak, or does he just nod his head, while finishing your sentences for you, munching down on a burger?

When someone is interested in you, he is interested in the ALL of you, even if it is just another story of how bad your day at work was. He will never tire from your stories. You will get eye contact, feedback, the occasional smile, or even a frown, which you need to prove that he actually cares about what you are talking about.

IMPORTANT SIGNS TO WATCH OUT FOR

1.Does he talk to YOU? Communication is key to a lasting relationship, and many men have problems opening up, and talking about their fears, or even their desires. However, if your the one he calls to rant, and rave about his canceled night with the boys,the stress at work,the business idea that he has or his wish to end poverty, you can take that as a good sign.

2.Have you met his friends? When someone is into you, they want to show you off to the world. They are proud to have you under their arm, and can't wait to parade you around their friends that they have been bragging about you to. Also, if you do meet them, how do THEY treat you. A man's friends will always have the inside scoop, so if they are disrespectful, or don't even have the slightest clue what your name is, take that as a bad thing. Be sure you take note of how HE treats you in front of them as well. Does he suddenly start calling you "buddy" or neglecting to hold your hand in front of them? If so, double think your situation.

3.Has he introduced you to his family? Is his mother already talking about what your children will look like? Being introduced to the family by a man may not seem like a big deal, but for many, it is the make or break. They will usually let you meet when they decide that they really do like you, and want a second opinion from people they trust. If you have been together for a while, and there has been no mention of a trip to mama's for some fried chicken, and collared greens, then there may be a family he doesn't want you to find out about; like one where he's the head of the household, and his wife is reading my soon to come article about "How to find out if your spouse is cheating."

4.Does he pay attention to things you like? Last, but most certainly not least,  If you have mentioned that your favorite colour is pink for the last four months, and the guy shows up with a blue rose, it may not seem like that big of a deal, until you realize that simple things are usually what makes us most happy. Please thank him for the blue rose, but before it wilts, find someone else to replace it with a beautiful, pink one.....

Smile ladies and open your eyes wide!!!

James

10 Most Common Relationships' Breakers

1. Unfaithful
Infidelity is an ugly word and when it becomes a reality, things can get nasty. Being faithful in spite of the attractive new employee in Accounting, may be difficult but it is crucial to the strength of your relationship.

2. Lack of Chemistry
The first year, you can’t keep your hands off each other. But now things are cooling down. Your hands are now firmly in your pockets. That warm feeling in your heart doesn’t seem to make it flutter at all. Chemistry seems to have taken a backseat.

3. When you want your partner to be like you!
Some couples specialise in Change Management. They try to mould each other into their own mental images of what the other should be! That’s treading dangerous ground.

4. The ugly Jealous
Worried that your partner is doing better than you are? You find it difficult to smile when they do well at work? These could be signals that your heart is not set right.

5. Insecurity
When you don’t feel good enough to be loved and pampered the way you are, then you can be sure that insecurity is at work in your life. Unless you have self worth and think yourself worthy of attention, you can’t expect to be loved.

6. Misdirected priorities
Where does your relationship stand on your priority list? If it’s after ‘friends’, ‘parents-in-law’ and ‘neighbours’ then maybe you need to take another look at that list!

7. Communication breakdown(lack of communication)
Remember the days when you used to sit on the porch swing and just talk? Bring those ‘good ole’ days’ back. Communication is vital in building a lasting relationship.

8. An unhealed hurt heart
If you’re not over your past and still at some level trying/hoping to get back with your EX, then don’t expect this new relationship to work. It’s already headed downhill at super speed. Sort your heart out first!

9. Over expectation
Avoid entering a relationship with a dozen expectations. If you do then you’ll end up trying to match life to your mental blueprint.

10. Letting yourself go
If you know longer look anything like when you first met your partner, then you’re in troubled waters. To keep the romance alive, take care of your health and your appearance. It will keep the fire in your partner’s heart burning only for you.

James

Maintaining a friendship in a relationship

How to maintain a friendship in your relationship so you can be lovers and friends at the same time.

You are so much in love with your companion, but are the two of you friends? Now that you have fallen in love with that person, has it made you lose the friendship you might have had at the very beginning of the relationship? If you find yourself not treating them as a friend and only as a lover, you might needed to develop a friendship with your partner again. Some of the most wonderful relationships, are the ones that the two people are still friends, as well as lovers. How do you keep the friendship in your relationship, now that you have crossed that line to become lovers? Once you fall in love with someone you tend to start acting differently toward them and that’s how you lose the friendship. That is the first thing that we should not do, is start acting differently with our partners. The way that you communicated with each other in the very beginning, is the same way you should continue communicating as the relationship develops. In the beginning you talked to each other liked friends do when they are getting to know each other, you should never stop. Friends can discuss anything with each other and that is the most important part of a relationship that should remain with your lover. You are more intimidate with your lover than any friend that you might have, so you needed that friendship more with your partner than anyone else. Friends are not afraid to show each other how much they care for each other and can work out any situation. When you keep that friendship with your partner, you can work out any problems you might have. You feel more at ease to discuss anything with each other and that will keep complications out of your relationship for a more stronger bond. You will find when you have a friendship in your relationship, you spend time together not because you are in a relationship, but because you genuinely like being with each other. That friendship will have the both of you doing things with each other because you truly enjoy doing those things together, like most friends do. Maintaining a friendship in your relationship is not hard to do once you both decide that you want a friendship and work together to keep it. Most couples lose their friendship when no one is working to maintain it and they let go what they had in the beginning, instead of keeping what was developed when they first started. Friends are one of the most wonderful things you can have in your life and being friends with someone you love is the most beautiful thing there is. Both people have to want to have a friendship along with their intimate relationship for it to work and grow into whatever level they want to be at next. Being friends with your partner can make the relationship so great that it can lead to a marriage. If you want to spend the rest of your life with someone, that someone should be your friend. The person that you decide and look forward to spending the rest of your life with will be much easier to be with for a life time, if that person is your friend. James

Ladies be on the alert! : Things you shouldn't tell a guy you want to Marry

In beginning a dating relationship, it may take some time to get comfortable with the other person. But as you get acquainted, it is tempting to share deeply held secrets or private longings that you hope will bond the two of you.

Be careful! Confessing secrets or expressing desires too early in a relationship can frighten the most grounded guy. Here are some of the scariest topics to avoid until the two of you have had time to get to know one another:

1. "I'm looking for a marriage partner."


Any version of this statement can be a real turn-off for many men. They often feel like a commodity in the marketplace that you're checking out with a view to buying. Even if you do hope to marry in the next year or two, keep quiet about your plans until you find out whether this guy is the one. Even then, let him take the initiative in the commitment department. Many guys do not respect girls who take the lead, fearing her aggressiveness bodes ill for a long-term relationship.

2. "I don't know where my money goes."

 If you mean this seriously, and a great deal of the time, your newfound dating partner may take this as a hint to duck out the back door. No one wants to feel like he will have to support someone who isn't responsible enough to care for herself. While all of us run short occasionally, those who make a habit of it can cause real snarls in a romance that could otherwise be headed for Honeymoon Haven. Learn to manage your income and bills, and don't mention financial problems to someone you're dating unless they're severe and you want him to know up front before getting serious.

3. "I can't stand your mother." 

Back off from this one. No guy likes to hear that you don't like his family. If you want to give this romance a fighting chance, keep quiet about your potential future in-laws. Better yet, cultivate a positive relationship by sending encouraging notes or funny e-mails, and always demonstrate respect for any member of your guy friend's family.

4. "I can't wait to have kids." 

This is another sizzler that tells the man you are looking for an assembly line marriage. Each relationship is unique, and it is best to discuss the prospect of having children with a man who may be seriously thinking about getting engaged. If your male friend is still in college or unhappily employed, the last thing he wants is the image of a dependent family whose needs ensure that he get and keep any possible job for their support. Give the relationship time to blossom before discussing projected dreams.

5. "I think you should change your work schedule so we can go out more." 

This sounds like a demanding wife already, someone who plans to force her desires above her husband's needs. A job schedule has to take priority over a social calendar whether one party likes it or not. Girls who come across as demanding, controlling, or self-centered are likely to be passed over as marriage material. Work on developing compassion for the man in your life in terms of his job and his personal interests. Put your agenda on hold--indefinitely--except for things that truly matter.

Watch your words, ladies, if you want a guy to fall for you and stick around. Otherwise, he may get the hint early on and will be gone without a trace before you know it.

James

Four reasons to break up with your girlfriend

1. IF YOU ARE LEADING HER ON

If you are with a woman who you know is falling for you, but you are aware that you are personally not falling in love with her, then you owe it to this woman to spare her feelings and end the relationship. Women sometimes have the tendency to let themselves become attached to a man that is not attached to them. If you do not see a future with your girlfriend, then don’t have a present with her. You can’t keep a lady around just because you can stand her. You can’t stay in a relationship out of convenience. You should never continue a romance that you are not invested in just for the physical rewards. If you are not intending to take this relationship to the next level, and you know that the girl that you are with is already picking out china patterns, then you have to do the right thing: break it off. If you care about her at all, then you owe it to her not to lead her on. The only reason to continue a relationship is because you believe that there is a future in it. You can date and you can have flings with women with no intention of building a relationship, but you have to be honest with the women that you are with so that they do not end up feeling deceived and manipulated.

2. SHE CAN’T BE TRUSTED


If your girlfriend has been unfaithful to you, and you are unable to trust her, then you should break up with her. This is not to say that there are no circumstances in which cheating should be forgiven, but you have to evaluate that on an individual basis. First of all, do you think that she is truly remorseful and will not do it again, or do you think that she is just sorry that she got caught? You have to decide if you will be able to have faith in your relationship anymore. If you are not able to trust your girlfriend, then you need to break up with her. You will become a jealous person if you stay in a relationship with someone that you do not believe in. You should be with a woman who is mature enough to be honest with you. If your girlfriend felt she needed to stray from the relationship, then you should wonder why. Have you been unfaithful to her? Do the two of you spend as much time together as you did when you first started the relationship? She might have been looking for someone to talk to when you were emotionally unavailable, and what started off as innocent flirtation led to infidelity. People do make mistakes, but if the mistake is going to cause you to be insecure and paranoid in your relationship, then you should break it off.

3.YOUR LIFE HAS CHANGED FOR THE WORSE

Relationships can change your life, but the goal is for your life to be changed for the better, not the worse. If you feel like you are no longer a happy and confident person when you are with your girlfriend, then you are in an unhealthy relationship. Having a girlfriend is not worth sacrificing your happiness. Sometimes if a guy who is very inexperienced with women gets a girlfriend, he wants to stay in the relationship even if the woman is a witch to him. If you are a man who has had a hard time playing the dating game, you might have resigned yourself to the idea that you have to settle for whoever will be with you. Wrong! You are better off alone than with someone who does not treat you with care and respect. It is unfair to you to settle for someone who does not value you. You deserve to be with someone who shows you the same love and kindness as you show them. If your girlfriend embarrasses you in front of your friends by demeaning you or if she is constantly pointing out your flaws and imperfections, then you owe it to yourself to break up with her and find someone who is deserving of your love.

4.YOUR GUILTY CONSCIENCE

Sometimes a man will stay with a woman because he feels that it will destroy her if he ends the relationship. If you care about a woman, but you are no longer in love with her, then it is in both of your best interests in the long run to end the relationship. Your girlfriend does not want to be in a relationship with someone who cares about her on a purely platonic level. She may be very hurt and saddened to see your relationship come to a close, but if you are not invested in this relationship, it is not going to survive, and the longer that you wait to end it, the worse things will become. You can feel bad that you are breaking her heart, but you should not feel guilty for being honest about your feelings.

James

Three reasons to break up with your boyfriend

1. WHEN YOU ARE AFTER TWO VERY DIFFERENT THINGS

A relationship cannot survive if the two parties involved are not after the same things. If you want to be in a serious committed relationship, but your boyfriend is thinking of it as a more casual type of situation, then you are setting yourself up for disappointment. Don’t put yourself in the perfect position to get hurt. If you are looking for a potential husband, then you should be dating a man who is looking to settle down. If you are focused on your career right now and not on fostering a long-term romance, then you shouldn’t be with a man who is focused on taking your relationship to the next level of commitment. It doesn’t make any sense to pair yourself up with a guy who has different intentions than you do. After you have been dating someone exclusively for a while, you should have a talk about where your relationship is headed and where both of you want to see it going. The reason that you should wait a little while, like a couple of months, before you have the “where is this relationship headed” talk is because you need to give yourself time to figure out your feelings, and so does your boyfriend. Until the two of you have established yourselves as a couple, it is too soon to make a judgment about your desires for the future. Remember, just because you decide that you think that this relationship is worth taking to the next level, that doesn’t mean that the relationship is certainly going to last – it just means that you are both willing to find out. If you have the talk and you find out that he is not interested in making things more serious and you are, then you will be able to spare yourself of further hurt feelings by ending the relationship. If you don’t talk about what the two of you want, then you are going to wind up putting your heart on your sleeve for nothing. Even if the talk doesn’t go the way you wished it would have, it is still better to find out what your boyfriend’s intentions are so that you don’t waste your time in a relationship with someone who is not on the same page as you.

2.WHEN THERE IS ABUSE IN THE RELATIONSHIP

You should never stay in a relationship with a man who is physically or emotionally abusive towards you. Physical abuse is not something that you should forgive under any circumstances – you are worth far more than a relationship that involves domestic violence. Your boyfriend may apologize until he is red in the face, but you have to stay strong and put yourself first. If he hit you once, then you have absolutely no reason to believe him when he tells you that it will never happen again, and you should not stick around to find out. Second chances are not something that should be afforded to everyone, and violent situations are a prime example of the unforgivable when it comes to a romantic relationship. You deserve better – you deserve someone who will respect you and your safety – not someone who endangers you. If you are worried that your boyfriend will become physically abusive when you break it off, then do it in a well lit public place, and be prepared to call the police. If he threatens you, you should immediately call the authorities and get a restraining order of protection against him so that your safety is not compromised. Emotional abuse can hurt just as bad as the physical kind. If your boyfriend is constantly berating you and putting you down, you should break up with him right away. If he tries to control your life by keeping tabs on your every move and monitoring your interactions with family and friends, then you need to get out of the relationship. You are in the boss of you, no matter what. Your boyfriend has no right whatsoever to dictate your existence and you need to respect yourself enough to leave a man who tries to control and hurt you.

3.LACK OF TRUST

If your relationship lacks trust, then you are better off without the relationship. Honesty is the most important policy for a happy couple. It is very hard to get over deception. If you are suspicious that your boyfriend has not been faithful to you, then how are you going to enjoy your time together? First off, figure out why you don’t trust your boyfriend. If it is because you have had boyfriends cheat on you in the past, then you might be behaving unfairly. You can not transfer your mistrust of one man to another. You have to work on your ability to trust. If, on the other hand, you have caught your boyfriend in lies or he has been exhibiting signs of infidelity, or if he has cheated in the past and you forgave him but suspect he is up to his old tricks again, then you should break up with him. Trying to love someone that you do not trust will make you become a jealous and insecure person, and that is not who you want to be.

Dont worry dudes, an article in your favor is on it's way!!!!

Regards,

James Mulandi