Tabula Rasa- Clean slate

In the theory of knowledge and psychology, the state of the “blankness” of mind is referred to as tabula rasa. This can also be defined as the mind being in a clean slate state. In the 17th century, the English empiricist John Locke, in An Essay Concerning Human Understanding (1689), argued for the mind’s initial resemblance to “white paper, void of all characters,” with “all the materials of reason and knowledge” derived from experience.

We are a sum of our experiences and cannot run from that. When you see a broken man, a strong man, a weak man, a lazy man, a courageous man, just remember that they are who they are because of what they have gone through in life.

“He is such a weak man” you say, with a sneer and a condescending tone. Have you been in his shoes? Have you walked his journey? Do you know what it feels like to be a weak man in this so judgmental society? Can you carry the weight on his shoulders for just a second? I doubt you would. Even most of the courageous man in the society (or so you think), has some deep lying wounds which have been inflicted through the experiences he has gone through to become the courageous man that he is today.

Women are unforgetting while men are unforgiving. I am reminded of an interesting story in the good book about a King named David, who was embarrassed by a subordinate in his time of great turmoil and he kept the matter to heart for a long time, but while on his death bed and about to meet his maker, called his son and reminded him of this very hurting matter of the heart and asked him to not let it pass. Well, his son executed the subordinate. This is how men are wired. We may not keep on reminding you one too many times that you have wronged us but most of the time, we keep the matter to heart, and the more we do the heavier the load of what we carry.

Forgiveness and letting go is what a man needs to do, but can he? Can a man’s mind be in a state of tabula rasa to the past hurts and pains that now define the very essence of him? The biggest challenge that a man has is self-forgiveness. If a man can forgive himself for the failures and wrongs he has committed on himself, then he can forgive others, he can have a clean slate and redefine his life. He can move from a state of dis-empowered to empowered, from being weak to strong, being fearful to being courageous.

“But it’s too painful”, “I must get back at her”, “She will know that I am the man in the relationship”, “Huyo hata na dawa sitamsamehea” (Not even medication will make me forgive this one), you affirm with pain and rage! The principle of the log and the spec applies here…...before dealing with the spec that is of the wrong that has been committed you, remove the log that has been enlarging in your eye because you cannot forgive yourself! Pain and rage are contagious but so is love and happiness within any relationship, and what you spread is purely a matter of choice. Self-forgive so that you can forgive! Get your mind to the state of tabula rasa to the negative….and give the significant other an opportunity for a clean slate! This is not a one off but something you must do as often as you can!

Have a “tabularasarized” time!

Echoes of Pain

"Stop crying! Real men don't cry!" This we have at some point been told one too many times by those ahead of us! As a matter of fact, this statement forms the core of initiation into manhood. "Why can’t I? What’s so wrong with the tears? How do they affect the man? How then do I deal with the pains that keep on piling and piling because I can’t and shouldn't cry as a man? "Mwanume ni kuvumilia" Is the popular adage on these sides of the globe.

Recently, on my travel back to Nairobi after a short trip, I sat pensively constantly thinking "Why shouldn't men cry?" "Why is the society so harsh on men who cry?" If you have had a cave experience, you know very well the fun of being in the cave is shout so that you can "hear" yourself!  What causes the echo is the emptiness of the cave, confined within hard rocks. This is the story of a man's life! The man is characterized by echoes that scream from within him. The societal expectations on how a man should deal with his emotions are that he shouldn't show the emotional side, and if he does, he just ain't man enough. Men have been ridiculed for being emotional, they have been laughed at for being too feminine with statements such us "Uko na umama sana"(You are to feminine) or "Wacha umama"(Stop being feminine) being the norm of Men's conversations.  Well, a man being a man, would rather conceal it all than to be associated with "Umama"(Feminism), as they call it. But at what expense? At the expense of a man's emotional intelligence! The burden on a man's shoulders and the unexpressed emotions have led to most men being emotional wrecks!

The results of bottling up emotions overtime have led to echoes of pain which have found multiple negative outlets. Why for instance do we always encounter disturbing headlines in the dailies?...." Man, slaughters wife", "Man kills family and commits suicide" These and more are the articles we encounter daily. Why are men dying early? why are men having affairs? Why are men stealing, why is corruption synonymous to masculinity? These are the sicknesses of men in the society; the results of echoes of pain that get louder and louder as men age.

In a previous article which I wrote "Inviolate vows", I suggested that men must talk with each other and today I add, men must be deliberately vulnerable with each other and with their significant other. Talking about it is one of the proven ways to reduce the sounds that echo from within. Talk it out, cry if you must, cry on her shoulder, cry in the closet, let it out, let it go! The more expressive you are the lower the sounds of the echoes of pain from within.

True masculinity is in being vulnerable, true to your emotions and responding appropriately to your emotions. If you understand your emotions, you understand yourself and you understand others. When you express your emotions, you become healthier, become a better husband, better father, better friend, better son and in a cascading effect, we will have a better society. 

While at it, let me go to my closet and let it out! As for those who think "niko na umama"(I am feminine), I will let you be for now!

The Man’s dojo

The Man’s dojo

Since time memorial, those who practice martial art would retreat and go into deep meditation. This they would do in a space of uttermost silence, far away from the daily disruptions. When they emerged, they were more relaxed, rejuvenated, re-energized and recharged, ready for the next challenge. This place, they referred to as “The dojo”.

When I think of the dojo, I can’t help but to reflect on the words of this classic song by Chicago “Everybody needs a little time away I heard her say From each other” True from these words, everybody needs their “Me” time! The only difference is, the man’s me time is unique. The man’s “Me” time is, “The Dojo”! You see, the man’s dojo is a bit complex, takes different shapes and has been often misunderstood by humans of the female gender. Sisters, when you ask him the question “What are you thinking?”  and he responds with “nothing”, the brother is in his dojo! When you find him holding the TV remote and you ask him a question and he can’t “hear” you, the brother is in his dojo! It could be a Newspaper that he is reading, a game of chess that he is playing, a soccer game he is watching, a car he has taken for a wash or just silently staring at “nothing”. That’s his space, that’s his dojo!

In his dojo the man finds inner peace, finds comfort, his soul is rejuvenated, he rekindles love, he rises again. The “dojo effect” as I call it, can only be likened to what the eagle goes through to be rekindled and experience a fresh breath of life. The only difference being that the man needs his dojo (Whatever form it takes) one too many times.

The challenge that the man faces is that his dojo has been interfered with, and continues to be interfered with by the sisters, not once, not twice, not thrice……….” I feel ignored”, “You don’t like spending time with me”, “Will you please get me a...” “Please take me to the….” These they say without any regard to the “code of silence” in the dojo! “Why are you being anti-social?” they ask. “Hello! I can’t hear you” & “will you please get out of my dojo” are the silent responses that comes from the look the man gives.

Brothers have a code of understanding on when a brother is in his dojo and can read the invisible “do not interfere” sign. It is therefore not a surprise to walk into deafening silence in a room full of men. Brothers don’t interpret this as “weird” but view this as a “step closer to rejuvenation”

The dojo is precious, is sacred, is refreshing, is revitalizing and it gives a rebirth to the man and as such, the dojo must be respected, must be esteemed highly! The man’s dojo is a no-go-zone for the sisters. If only the sisters would understand this, then they would be the greatest beneficiaries of a rejuvenated, re-energized, rekindled and a recharged man! But again, do they/ Will they ever understand?  As John Gray says….” Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus”.

Let me retreat to my dojo!

Jamo

Inviolate vows-Till death do us part

In sickness and health,in poverty and riches, for better or worse......These are the words, uttered by the married , both male and female, yet I choose to talk to the man, the masculine piece of the relationship by divine order, the one who prides in being head of the home.I talk to you, not as a bystander, but as one of you. In one way or the other,we have violated the vow. I may seem judgemental but hey, hear me out; Will you stand to be counted as one who has never violated the vow? Will you be honest to self and say that you are indeed one with her? Haven't you kept the deal from her for fear of being reprimanded? Never mind the fact that many times the deal has gone sour and the cash has sank. Haven't you failed to disclose your financial "True North" in the guise of "protecting the family"? How many times have you "Kulad na macho"as they say it , till it feels normal to. "You know we are polygamous in nature" You say it casualy, with a wry smile as you briskly walk away.

Where did we go wrong? That's the big question right here! "She has changed" you say. "She doesn't respect me and she is materialistic " So you justify to yourself and yet you suffer in silence. Before you know it, You are sipping the contents in the brown bottle, you're coming home late as you hang out with the crew, you begin wishing that she was like that office girl or business girl that you are fond of. As a matter of fact, you begin wishing that, that other girl was her. Before you sink deeper, pause for a moment and go back in time......she's changed coz motherhood has changed her. She is your home maker and this has taken a toll on her. She may have a part to play in all these, but I talk to you the man, coz you are the head, and you pride in it.Remember, leadership in the relationship begins with you!

The modern woman is wiser, more educated and quite opinionated and as such the man must rethink and restrategize on what being "head of the home" In our times is all about. Men don't talk but now they must, with each other, in the male barazas. No man can handle the complexity of our times by himself. As men we must identify our accountability structures and social support systems amongst our peers and plug in or else, depression,stress,drunkardness,side chicks, disjointed homes, broken homes, children deprived of the father's love, early deaths and many other social ills, will continue to be the order of day. As men we must stand up to be counted and recommit to the vows, no matter the challenge. We will not, in the words of the song, "walk away from the troubles in my life" and We will not justify our short comings. We may have violated the vow, but we are in this......till death do us part...and in the new, the vows shall firmly remain, inviolate.

Jamo

MALE CHAUVINISM: THE HEIGHT OF MORAL DECADENCE

The wave of absurdity and impunity that has struck our nation this week has left me numb, needless to say. Why would men in their right sense pounce on a defenseless, harmless female, strip her naked, rob her and injure her? My conclusion is, simply put, these men are mad!they have lost it! It pains me to watch these events take place in broad day light, in a country that prides itself as an "island of peace" ,where freedom of expression both implied & expressed is the norm of its people. The human rights as enshrined into our constitution are such that freedom of expression must be upheld by all without exception. The problem that ails our nation is lawlessness. we have become a man eat man society, where we walk in the whims of " survival for the fittest". If law and order are not enforced then what we have is anarchy reigning supreme. People resort to doing crude things because after all they know, "they will get away with it", simply because they can buy their way out, cheat their way out or simply wont be caught because, "our government does not have proper security structures to bring culprits to book!"

To my government, I ask, would you for a moment pause and think how orderly Kenya would be if all laws were implemented to the book? People would reform without being asked to coz they would be cognizant of the consequences that would befall them. Human dignity would be restored, sanity would be the order of the day, respect of law and fellow citizens would be the norm, human rights would never be violated!

To the men who have bitten by the bug of temporary insanity, I ask, what would happen if tomorrow, the lady being stripped naked is your sister, or daughter, or mother, or wife or even say , your grandmother? How would you react? would your opinion change? would you go about laughing over this issue? What if tomorrow all the women go on riot and begin embarrassing men who pour toxic waters on mother nature by the roadside? or do you think for once that such an act is a sight to behold? You need help.

To my fellow sober citizens who are so utterly disgusted by this barbaric wave. Sanity and lawfulness begin with me and you. speak up , for as the famous saying by Martin Niemoeller says  " When they came for the communists, i was silent because i was not a communist, when they came for the socialists, i was silent coz i was not a socialist, when they came for the trade unionists i was silent coz i wasn't one, when they came for the Jews i did not protest coz i wasn't a Jew, when they came for ME........there was no one to protest on my behalf"

We must condemn this evil but we must do so within the boundaries of the law.

James M. Kyalo

4 people that you shouldn't dare date in the Office!!

I dedicate this article to those guys who think that the office is the only place on earth where you will find love........ There are four categories of people that you shouldn't even think of;


1. The Intern 
So much can go wrong when dating an intern, assistant or any other underling that such temptations are best left alone. If your colleagues find out about this office romance, there could be cries of favoritism.......pls pls pls overcome this temptation.

2. The IT guy or gal 
Nothing beats having your request for computer assistance rise to the top of the tech support queue. But fall out of favour with your technically inclined lover and you'll have to endure the tech support call of shame any time your computer has the hiccups. 

3. The boss 
Throw unrequited love and/or an ugly break-up into the mix and there's no telling how far your professional reputation could plummet...after all, this is your boss now. or isn't he/she?


4. The serial dater 
Cozy up to the office philanderer(for simplicity... this is that guy/gal who is everybody's everybody) and you make yourself a prime target for professional gossip and hostility. Not only can your reputation plummet overnight, your colleagues may have a hard time taking you seriously. for this one be as distanced as much as possible!!!!!!


 A short one but one to ponder about.


lovely weekend guys..

Jamo

The Signs of A Player!

Wsap ya’ all it’s been quite a while before i did you one. I remember in the last blog i promised to  do a coming soon entitled "the signs of a player." I can see all the ladies smiling at this, but wait a minute please.........Here is a disclaimer; (Not all men lie, not all men cheat, and not all women are sweet innocents themselves. Nothing written or imagined written herein should be taken to construe such an opinion.)

Infidelity is one of the biggest problems in relationships, behind money problems coz being in love makes us so vulnerable &  being cheated on is very painful. It's better to be aware of the signs and be honest with yourself from the beginning rather than let yourself fall into the trap of falling for a guy, and then falling for all his lies.

Players have several characteristics in common. Some will have more, some will have less, but if the man you're dating has several of these in one go, you could well be dating a player.

 1. He expressly denies being one.

If your man comes straight out (unprovoked) and proclaims that he aint a player, he tends to be precisely that. He will announce this the first time he screws up, or senses that you're leery about him. And he's operating on reflex. The fact is he's so used to being accused of being one, that he instinctively plays offense from the start, in the hope you might be gullible enough to believe what you hear, rather than what you see.

2. He's too smooth.

Does he have an answer for everything? A really good answer? I'm not surprised. as this comes from years of practice. He's made all the big mistakes and has plenty of experience with smoothing things over. He knows what you want to hear, because he's learned well from his previous enablers. Don't add yourself to the list.

3. He's always slightly aloof.

He pays just enough attention to make you crave more, but little enough to make you wonder how interested he really is. This ploy is designed to make you want more -- which is what most of you end up doing -- and some of you will go out of your way to get his attention through methods you wouldn't normally lower yourself to. That's exactly what he wants; you crawling on your knees for his attention.

5. His communication skills suck.

Unless there's a very good reason, if your man doesn't answer your text/email/phone call within 24 hours, he's playing a game.What about the men who deny the truth of that statement by claiming that some men are just too busy...? Dont fall for that crap!!. If you really like someone, you can find a minute to at least text them. No one is that busy! If your man does this on a regular basis, he's playing you.

6. He makes you feel like you're overreacting when you're not.

Let me give you an example: He promises to call you at 8pm, but doesn't contact you until the next day. Why? Because he decided that pizza with his mates would be more fun. When asked why he couldn't be bothered to let you know, to send you a text at least, he replies by making you feel like you're being clingy or too demanding. The guy is a tosser!

7. He makes you feel that You're Not Good Enough For Him

Seriously. This is a very important clue. Feeling that you're not good enough for him means that you feel bad about yourself. It's one thing if this issue stems from any self esteem issues you may have, but it is quite another if it is the result of the way he treats you.

This is sometimes the a sign of a cheater, but it's always the sign of someone you'd be better off without. Common techniques for making a woman feel bad involve criticizing her looks, calling her fat, suggesting she could loose a few kgs , or often insinuating that she is stupid. If he does any of these things, run, run away and be fast! Here is a caveat though, that I would put on this advice; sometimes women feel bad about themselves without any help from outside sources. Try to look at the situation objectively. Is he engaging in destructive interaction with you? Are your feelings based on negative self talk, or is he actively trying to keep you down by treating you like a lesser person than he? In the first instance, some counseling may be in order, in the second, a break up.

8. Gut Instinct

Have a funny feeling in your tummy when it comes to him? Take some Tums, and if it's still there once they've taken effect, chances are that your body is trying to tell you something. Most women who haver been involved with cheating men say afterwards that they had a feeling something was wrong. You shouldn't necessarily leave him because you have a feeling something isn't right, but you should be aware and be alert for other signs. Intuiton is what they call it and clay they that it makes abode in females!!!

Have a lovely evening all!!

James