Tabula Rasa- Clean slate

In the theory of knowledge and psychology, the state of the “blankness” of mind is referred to as tabula rasa. This can also be defined as the mind being in a clean slate state. In the 17th century, the English empiricist John Locke, in An Essay Concerning Human Understanding (1689), argued for the mind’s initial resemblance to “white paper, void of all characters,” with “all the materials of reason and knowledge” derived from experience.

We are a sum of our experiences and cannot run from that. When you see a broken man, a strong man, a weak man, a lazy man, a courageous man, just remember that they are who they are because of what they have gone through in life.

“He is such a weak man” you say, with a sneer and a condescending tone. Have you been in his shoes? Have you walked his journey? Do you know what it feels like to be a weak man in this so judgmental society? Can you carry the weight on his shoulders for just a second? I doubt you would. Even most of the courageous man in the society (or so you think), has some deep lying wounds which have been inflicted through the experiences he has gone through to become the courageous man that he is today.

Women are unforgetting while men are unforgiving. I am reminded of an interesting story in the good book about a King named David, who was embarrassed by a subordinate in his time of great turmoil and he kept the matter to heart for a long time, but while on his death bed and about to meet his maker, called his son and reminded him of this very hurting matter of the heart and asked him to not let it pass. Well, his son executed the subordinate. This is how men are wired. We may not keep on reminding you one too many times that you have wronged us but most of the time, we keep the matter to heart, and the more we do the heavier the load of what we carry.

Forgiveness and letting go is what a man needs to do, but can he? Can a man’s mind be in a state of tabula rasa to the past hurts and pains that now define the very essence of him? The biggest challenge that a man has is self-forgiveness. If a man can forgive himself for the failures and wrongs he has committed on himself, then he can forgive others, he can have a clean slate and redefine his life. He can move from a state of dis-empowered to empowered, from being weak to strong, being fearful to being courageous.

“But it’s too painful”, “I must get back at her”, “She will know that I am the man in the relationship”, “Huyo hata na dawa sitamsamehea” (Not even medication will make me forgive this one), you affirm with pain and rage! The principle of the log and the spec applies here…...before dealing with the spec that is of the wrong that has been committed you, remove the log that has been enlarging in your eye because you cannot forgive yourself! Pain and rage are contagious but so is love and happiness within any relationship, and what you spread is purely a matter of choice. Self-forgive so that you can forgive! Get your mind to the state of tabula rasa to the negative….and give the significant other an opportunity for a clean slate! This is not a one off but something you must do as often as you can!

Have a “tabularasarized” time!

Echoes of Pain

"Stop crying! Real men don't cry!" This we have at some point been told one too many times by those ahead of us! As a matter of fact, this statement forms the core of initiation into manhood. "Why can’t I? What’s so wrong with the tears? How do they affect the man? How then do I deal with the pains that keep on piling and piling because I can’t and shouldn't cry as a man? "Mwanume ni kuvumilia" Is the popular adage on these sides of the globe.

Recently, on my travel back to Nairobi after a short trip, I sat pensively constantly thinking "Why shouldn't men cry?" "Why is the society so harsh on men who cry?" If you have had a cave experience, you know very well the fun of being in the cave is shout so that you can "hear" yourself!  What causes the echo is the emptiness of the cave, confined within hard rocks. This is the story of a man's life! The man is characterized by echoes that scream from within him. The societal expectations on how a man should deal with his emotions are that he shouldn't show the emotional side, and if he does, he just ain't man enough. Men have been ridiculed for being emotional, they have been laughed at for being too feminine with statements such us "Uko na umama sana"(You are to feminine) or "Wacha umama"(Stop being feminine) being the norm of Men's conversations.  Well, a man being a man, would rather conceal it all than to be associated with "Umama"(Feminism), as they call it. But at what expense? At the expense of a man's emotional intelligence! The burden on a man's shoulders and the unexpressed emotions have led to most men being emotional wrecks!

The results of bottling up emotions overtime have led to echoes of pain which have found multiple negative outlets. Why for instance do we always encounter disturbing headlines in the dailies?...." Man, slaughters wife", "Man kills family and commits suicide" These and more are the articles we encounter daily. Why are men dying early? why are men having affairs? Why are men stealing, why is corruption synonymous to masculinity? These are the sicknesses of men in the society; the results of echoes of pain that get louder and louder as men age.

In a previous article which I wrote "Inviolate vows", I suggested that men must talk with each other and today I add, men must be deliberately vulnerable with each other and with their significant other. Talking about it is one of the proven ways to reduce the sounds that echo from within. Talk it out, cry if you must, cry on her shoulder, cry in the closet, let it out, let it go! The more expressive you are the lower the sounds of the echoes of pain from within.

True masculinity is in being vulnerable, true to your emotions and responding appropriately to your emotions. If you understand your emotions, you understand yourself and you understand others. When you express your emotions, you become healthier, become a better husband, better father, better friend, better son and in a cascading effect, we will have a better society. 

While at it, let me go to my closet and let it out! As for those who think "niko na umama"(I am feminine), I will let you be for now!