Echoes of Pain

"Stop crying! Real men don't cry!" This we have at some point been told one too many times by those ahead of us! As a matter of fact, this statement forms the core of initiation into manhood. "Why can’t I? What’s so wrong with the tears? How do they affect the man? How then do I deal with the pains that keep on piling and piling because I can’t and shouldn't cry as a man? "Mwanume ni kuvumilia" Is the popular adage on these sides of the globe.

Recently, on my travel back to Nairobi after a short trip, I sat pensively constantly thinking "Why shouldn't men cry?" "Why is the society so harsh on men who cry?" If you have had a cave experience, you know very well the fun of being in the cave is shout so that you can "hear" yourself!  What causes the echo is the emptiness of the cave, confined within hard rocks. This is the story of a man's life! The man is characterized by echoes that scream from within him. The societal expectations on how a man should deal with his emotions are that he shouldn't show the emotional side, and if he does, he just ain't man enough. Men have been ridiculed for being emotional, they have been laughed at for being too feminine with statements such us "Uko na umama sana"(You are to feminine) or "Wacha umama"(Stop being feminine) being the norm of Men's conversations.  Well, a man being a man, would rather conceal it all than to be associated with "Umama"(Feminism), as they call it. But at what expense? At the expense of a man's emotional intelligence! The burden on a man's shoulders and the unexpressed emotions have led to most men being emotional wrecks!

The results of bottling up emotions overtime have led to echoes of pain which have found multiple negative outlets. Why for instance do we always encounter disturbing headlines in the dailies?...." Man, slaughters wife", "Man kills family and commits suicide" These and more are the articles we encounter daily. Why are men dying early? why are men having affairs? Why are men stealing, why is corruption synonymous to masculinity? These are the sicknesses of men in the society; the results of echoes of pain that get louder and louder as men age.

In a previous article which I wrote "Inviolate vows", I suggested that men must talk with each other and today I add, men must be deliberately vulnerable with each other and with their significant other. Talking about it is one of the proven ways to reduce the sounds that echo from within. Talk it out, cry if you must, cry on her shoulder, cry in the closet, let it out, let it go! The more expressive you are the lower the sounds of the echoes of pain from within.

True masculinity is in being vulnerable, true to your emotions and responding appropriately to your emotions. If you understand your emotions, you understand yourself and you understand others. When you express your emotions, you become healthier, become a better husband, better father, better friend, better son and in a cascading effect, we will have a better society. 

While at it, let me go to my closet and let it out! As for those who think "niko na umama"(I am feminine), I will let you be for now!